Loss?

"For all that was lost, it was with a reason. To make us learn. To make us stronger. To make us wiser. It is through losing something that we grow"

Im sure everyone has lost something in their life. Their pen, their homework, their home keys, friends, families. Lost friends and families through growing up, through moving, through death. But despite all these loses, why are we still able to stand? What is it that makes us recover and continue moving forward?

When you lose something dear to you, do you lose a part of yourself at the process? Do u lose a significant part of your whole life? Do u keep losing that part of the person again and again until all that is left are just distant memory? Even memories dont last forever. 

Ah memory. Something so sweet, so valuable, and yet so fragile. Easily tampered by the owner to make it soothing and easing. At the end of the day, does that memory helps us? Or does it only fools us? 

Losing someone, sure it sucks big time. You won't be able to see them anymore. Or even if you are able to, you can't acknowledge them anymore. It's just not the same. When you see them, you just want to go up to them and say "Hi!" Then it hit you. "Oh I can't anymore." 

I've lost friends. Family? Not so. Eventhough all of us are staying at different places all the time and don't keep in touch, i still have family. But mainly, i've lost friends. Not your everyday hello and goodbye kind of friends. But friends whom i really held close at one point of time. There's two i can think of at the moment. HS and AJ. I can't remember why i argued with HS in the first place. It was such a long time ago. Maybe it was something stupid. Childish antics. We were young and naïve. Thinking back, i wish we could still be friends though.

As for AJ. Well. Let the words be left unsaid.

Its not easy letting go of those that mattered. Then again, nobody said that life was easy. But that is for another story. I guess that for us as humans, we just need to learn and forget. Not forget about what we learn. What i mean is, learn the reason why they left. Learn about what went wrong. About why they left. Next, forgive yourself and forget the pain. People may say that pain will make you stronger. But in actuallity, pain is the disease that will eat you up from the inside for as long as you hold onto it. So learn to let go. Only then can we move on from the loss.

That's all for now. Guess I'll smell ya later.

a new look..

a new start..

new semester..

time to get my game on..

so today wont be about gunpla..

will just be an update..

first week of school..

and i only have lessons for a day..

a day of going to class but not to study..

but to listen to teachers complaining bout stuffs..

haha..

for the special one..

i know you are the type to not read blogs..

but just in case u are reading..
lets take it a step at a time..

while enjoying each other's presence to the max..

okaye?

hee..

so nothing left to be said..

only that whoever owes me money..

just remember to pay back..

nanti akhirat aku tuntut tao..

hee..

takot kn?

then baya la..

haha..

hmm..

so thats it..

planning to start work during semester 2..

harap2 dpt manufacturing company instead of research company..

sungguh the tak sanggop nk buat research..

haha..

but in order to work..

have to pass for this semester..

insya'allah boleh..

nites ppl..

smell ya laters!!

time for my gunpla update!!

so i didnt update for the whole of march..

lazy..

haha...

so for the month of march...

i got myself the five kits below..

all of them are high grades 1/144 scale gundams..

First Picture

top left: Seravee Gundam

Top right: Gundam 00 Raiser

Bottom left: Arios Gundam

Bottom Right: Cherudim Gundam

Second Picture

Seraphim Gundam

all five kits are from the Gundam 00 Season 2..

however collection not complete yet..

still go 1 more to go..hee..

and i broke the arios when assembling it..

managed to fix that with the wonders of cement and super glue..haha..

and its my second gundam 00 raiser kit..

planned to paint this one flat black..

but loved the pale blue..

so instead will paint the first one black..

haha..

so that is for the month of march..

sent a total of S$100 on all 5...

worth it la..

i got the 4 kits from toy-wave.com @ US$50 for all 4..

then got the seraphim from Hobby Point, a local store at S$20..

so total summaries to about S@100 plus plus..

hee..

so thats all for march..

as for april...

from the box art..

4 of them are from 1994..

this is from the G Gundam series..

4 are no grades and are in 1/144 scale..

Top left: Gundam Maxter

Top Right: High Grade G Gundam

Bottom left: Dragon Gundam

Bottom center: Bolt Gundam

Bottom right: Rose Gundam

all except g gundam are released back in the 1994..

while the g gundam is re-released in may 2010..

i got all five from hobbylink japan..

i heard a great much about hobbylink japan and wanted to try buying from them..

however..

when getting only one kit..

the shipping cost for ems is expensive..

when getting a bunch of kits..

the shipping cost drops a whole lot..

still waiting for the kit to arrive in mail..

cant wait to assemble all of them..

the four i got them at 400 yen each..

which cost around...S$6..

and the g gundam was on 30% off..

so got it for 1080 yen..

which is around S$16..

the 4 is hard to find in singapore..

while the re-release is damn easy..

however..with the shipping price..

guess its cheaper than the cost in singapore..

so i think i will buy from hlj again in future..

ouh and i had some free time 2 weeks ago..

the free time was like...3 hrs on this day only..haha..

and i spray painted my deathscythe hell custom...

really happy as to how it turned out to be..

hee

-------------------------------

so apart from gunpla..

there had been a terrible down in my life lately..

dont wanna talk bout it..

so dinamis ended 2 weeks ago..

a real eye opener..

had fun throughout and never regret a thing..hee..

enjoys..

haha..

hello there..
time for my gunpla update...
my dad still havent transferred me the money yet..
so im freaking broke now..
haiz..
at least January i had a so called blast..haha..

got my MG 00 Qanta last Dec
fixed it together and applied the water slide decal..
however..
i accidentally sprayed it white..
i dont know how that happened..
but when i got the time im gonna scrap the paint off..
hopefully...


January came..
and i got the 4 above...
top right: 1/144 scale High Grade Stargazer Gundam from Gundam Seed Stargazer..
top left: No Grade Chouryou Gerugugu from SD Gundam Sengokuden
bottom right: No Grade Ryubi Gundam from SD Gundam Sengokuden
bottom left: 1/144 scale High Grade Beginning Gundam from
Gunpla Builders Beginning G...

spent around..S$60+ for all of them..
got the stargazer and beginning at a local hobby store for like S$20plus each..
while i got the two sd kits for S$5 each at kiddy palace..
the sd kits were not bad...
didnt have any high expectations of it..
but the kits were ok...
as for beginning..
really love the design..
but dont quite like the new arm articulation that bandai made...
as for stargazer..
its awesome..
had fun building it..
really..
haha..

when February came..
i had no income at all..
but my girlfriend got me these two kits for my birthday..
left: 1/100 High Grade Gundam Deathscythe Hell Custom
right: 1/100 High Grade Wing Gundam Zero Custom
both are from the ova Gundam Wing Endless Waltz
the wing gundam zero custom have a master grade version of it..
but im saving money to get the katoki version of it predecessor..
same for the deathscythe..
the mg is coming out...
but im saving money for its katoki version predecessor..
im still not done with the two kits..
i need to get some sprays to spray the deathscythe..
as well as do some preshading for the wings of wing gundam..
i wanted these two because one represents the devil...
while one represents the angel..
haha..

--------------------------------------
anyways..
something apart from gunpla...
Puncak Finals is next week..
cant wait for it..
exams is also next week..
that one can wait long long..
haha..
my gf is still not home..
i shall go to sleep first then..
nites ppl...

just feel like i need a space to rant..
then i remembered i have this space..
talking to ppl?
since when are ppl there for me?
afterall..
i always do shits to them..
so why would they wanna be there for me right?

when i was with q..
everyone saw her..
but never saw me..
they would be like eh q lawa..
but no comments will be made for me..

guys will be coming up to her when im not around to ask for her number...
to get her personal contacts..
when im around..
they will just steal a smile or something..
eh hello??
im not invisible..
i can see..
i can hear u..
and guess what..
q loves the attention..
"hes just a friend" she would say..
so what am i then??
and point is..
she never made the attempt to tell those guys she have a gf..

so the same thing happening again now..
guys coming up to her..
ask for her number..
thank god she never revealed her number to them..
but still..
im her bf..
not just an insignificant dirt on her shoulder which can be brushed away just like that...
respect sikit..
dier dade mataer..
u dont go around and ask for an attached girl's number..

u guys might be thinking..
"but u asked for A's number? u contradicting urself?"
fyi..
i never asked for her number..
i never went up to her to get her number..
she was the one who got my number and told me to get her stuffs...
i didnt ask for her number..
so i dont ask for attached girls number...

favour uh ppl..
diyana ramlan is attached...
stop it uh..
im not invisible..
i can see..
i can hear...

wondering who else reads my blog nowdays?
hehe..

so now the sch holidays for primary and secondary had started..
what a pain in the ass it has been..
the kids are sleeping at 1 to 2 in the morning making alot of noise..
which means that i dont get the privacy that i want..
cant play games without being disturb..
cant watch videos without being disturb...
cant listen to songs without being disturb..
cant read without being disturb..
cant fix my mg gundams without being disturb..
it irrits me..
ish..

me and gf are good...
still going strong..
im actually amazed at myself about how much i trust her..
its not heckcare or anything..
but i trust her that she will not do anything stupid..
hee..

anyways..
the understudies have already been announced..
i could still remember the time when hakim announced my name to be head of pdk..
seems so long ago..
well..
good luck eh to the next head..
being head is not just about the name..
being head is more than that..
its not about being famous and be well known..
its not about being recognise due to the works that you have done..
being a head means having a heavy burden all by yourselves..
being head means you have to ensure that your departments is kept alive..
being head means you have to talk to andrew to get forms and such approved..
being head means u have to submit forms after forms every month..
being head means u have to open yourself to humiliation and accept criticism..
in other words..
being head means you have to accept shits willingly..
so next heads..
be ready...

anyways..
last sunday was the dikir comp..
was freaking awesome..
haha..
i may have lost someone who i thought was a friend..
but god was generous enough to give me more in return for the one he took..
thank you...
you may have tried to psycho the guys that he was making lies about you..
but i know better..
anyways..
cant wait to get next month's allowance...
im gonna get the master grade mg 00 Qan(t)..
its from the movie Gundam 00 Awakening of the Trailblazers..
some says its pronounced as QanTa..
but i call it QanTi..hee..
watch the movie at Sinema@Old School last week..
and the movie was awesome...
and the Qan(t) was awesome..
heh..
then the following month..
im thinking of getting myself master grade mg Unicorn Gundam.. (S$79.90)
then for my birthday..
i think im gonna get perfect grade pg Astray Gundam..(S$300+)
hmm..
might be hard to get that astray....
let see how when the time comes..
hee..

ok so ive been ranting quite alot already..
guess its time to call it a night then..
nights people..
smell ya laters..

i said some stuffs that i dont know would make such a big deal..
since this is an open blog i shall not say wad..
i said it on twitter..
only those who follows me can read it..
and its 47..
the fren whom i told it to..
had 37 followers..
out of which only 26 are people and not ads and such..
that makes a total of 73 people..
and some are overlapped with mine..
so lets just put it at 70..
70 people read what i wrote about you..


and then u had to take revenge and humiliate me on fb..
lets see..
your friend list makes a total of 422 people..
422 people saw what you have to wrote about me..
and if you think they dont know its about me..
look again..
u put my name on it..
so 422 saw u cursing and swearing at me..
and only 70 people saw me saying that you are jealous..
and u say i have no right to be pissed about this..

haiz..
what to do right?
i mean..
who am i?
im just a replaceable guy in your life...
you are still young and naive..

Day 10: The One I Dont Talk to as Often


so guess right now i will tell you guys more about her..
her name is husna fatinah..
sometimes people call her haswah..
haha..
and we have been friends since sec 1..

well we didnt start it off as friends..
when we start it off...
she hated me..
hated me for reasons i dont know..
then sec 2 we talked to each other..
cause we were in the same group for IPW..
from there we became friends..
ouh ya..
she was my dance partner for sec 1 campfire..
haha..

we were classmates throughout secondary school..
so common sense that we are best friends la..
and we share our secrets..
heck we even enrolled for driving together..
and now both of us are stuck at driving..together..
haha..
i used to talk to her alot..
from anything sensible to anything stupid..
just name it la..
but ever since we got into np..
we seldom talk..
we are in the same campus under same school..
and we hardly talk or meet..
guess that is my fault for being busy...
sorry na..

anyways..
its been a while since she and me and fadhil and ihsan really had a hang out...
wish we could do it some days..
yeah?

Day 9: The One I Want to Meet




well..to be honest..
i never met 3 of my grandparents..
yayi karsoon passed away when i wasnt born..
nyayi sarni passed away months before i was born..
and yayi mo aka samat passed away when i was 2..
hard for me to remember you know..

why do i want to meet them...
i never felt what it was like to have a grandparent being there for you..
true my only grandmother is still alive..
but im not that close to her..
cause she actually support my dad getting another wife..
cause of that i dont get along..
she is 80+ now..
cant walk..
cant talk properly..
but went to visit her during raye..
well every raye i visit her...
and she remembers me..
but she only remembers me as a kid..
so i had to tell her that it was me..
i said..
"nyayi..ni yan..yan...imran nyayi.."
and when i said imran..
she was like oh yan..da besar ko..
she didnt say it fluently though..
just barely make out the words myself..
and my brother who was raised by my aunt..
she remembers him as well..
even though im not close to her...
there is a sense of love towards her..
afterall..shes my granmother...

and nyayi sarni..
i never met her..
just listened to the many stories about her through my mom, aunts, and sis...
and my eldest bro also..
and the thing is..
when i was a kid..
about 4..
i had a dream about how she passed away..
it was like she was just in front of me..
and when i told my mom of that dream..
she said it was my grandmother that passed away..
the exact same way as my dream was..
so yeah..
mom have a picture of nyayi sarni months before she passed away..
mom also have a picture of yayi karsoon..
the picture was and still is old..
my mom was like 6 in that photo...

so guess thats it..
i really want to meet my grandparents...

Day 8: The Favorite Internet Friend

guess i got none..
haha...
but i do of one person who have loads..
and im impressed..



see the maksalleh in the pic?
well he is the one im refering to..
his name is Nic Shields..
he is from Australia..
got to know him through izni..
and everytime he is here...
he will never fail to meet any of his friends that he made at fb..
talk about big networking..
haha..

honestly speaking..
he is a great and funny guy..
u guys should get to know him..
haha...
and oh ya..
he has a good voice too..
tell him to sing malay songs also can..
haha..

Day 7: The Ex Girlfriend/Crush

ok i know im supposed to do this consecutively..but bloody broadband have to bail out on me..
so once in a while then...
anyways..
today is about the Ex..

i have a lot of people in mind...
but ill save their story for later..for now..
lets talk about..
Hana Diyana Abdul Kahar..
well..
she is not an ex-girlfriend..
but she is an ex-crush..

so we met during NPSU FOC'08..
it was freshmen orientation...
in 2008..hey its been 2 yrs..
anyways...i always see my friends getting hooked during camps..
and then in the end they never last...
but then i never thought i will be hooked myself...

so it was a 4 day camp..
and we didnt talk to each other during the first day..
god she didnt even see me...
but i saw her alright..
and was overjoyed when i saw a 3 on her arm..
the same number that i had on mine..meaning that we were groupies..
so first day was basically like that..

i can tell you the details of how we met and so on...
but choose not to..
so find out yourselves..
haha..
anyways..
it ended quite abruptly and not to mention very hurting..
she did not reply my texts for a week..
and then suddenly text me that she is flying off to Canada...
and that we cant work it out..it was a blow for me..
went home straight away after arriving for another camp..
so yeah..

well shes back in Singapore..
last saw her was during Piala Suara Serumpun..
had no idea what she was doing there..
and glad she took my advice to stay with her bf...
hee..
----------------------------------

saw someone with the same birthday as me..
dammit...

Day 6: The Stranger

it was after Krakatoa training at woodlands cc..
so after training..
me and joy wanted to take the train back home..
we tapped in and took the up-riding escalator..
so..
otw up..
i noticed a girl taking the down-riding escalator was looking at my direction...
joy was talking to me but i was practically looking at her..
tu tkpe..
after we passed each other..
i turn around to look at her..
and she turn around to look at me too..
haha...
and im like..
chey aku hensem..
haha...
so dats dat..
haha!!

Day 5: The Dreams
A friend of mine said..
when u have a dream and then you wake up..
u have two choices..
one..
u go back to sleep and continue dreaming...
or..
you wake up and pursue it..
its deep..

when i was young..
my dream was becoming a doctor..
because that is what my mom would want..
i gave up that dream all ago..
but now..
i dont know what i wanna be..
isnt is amazing that when you are young..
anything seems to be possible..
but now..
everything just seems impossible..
i have to admit..
the course that im taking now..
is not to my liking..
but to just sooth my mom's heart..
just to impress her..
i dont know if i will continue this line of study..
cause frankly speaking..
i hate it..
nah i dont know..
just feel so tired and lazy nowdays..
too tired to even dream bout anything...

Day 4: The Brother

well..
this post will go out to my brother..
Muhd Irwan Samuri

even though we grew up under different guidance and teaching..
i still feel that he is the only one that i can relate to...
whatever that i went through..
he understands it and still give me advices about it..
he is only one in my family to be open to anything..
and i feel comfortable talking to him without hiding anything from him..
even though he lives in the east and me in the west..
i still feel that both of us are the closest siblings in the family..
whatever it is..
ill always be there to lend him a hand...

Day 3: The Parents

this will be all about my mom and dad...
first..
to my mom...

Hjh Sopeah bte Karsoon
she has been there to hold me since i was young..
i can say alot of things uh...
but to summarise it..
i love her for all that she has had and going to do for me..
no matter it is for my good or for my bad..
i will still love her..

Samuri bin Samat
well samat is not my granddads name..
my granddads name is Moh..
typical jawe name..
i just found out he passed away when i was 2..
ok back to topic..
he left when i was 9..
and i practically grew up without him..
when he comes back..
he just makes things unsettling..
but now im 19..
10 yrs have passed...
and i forgive him..
cause hes my dad..
without him..
i wouldnt be hu i am today..
i still love him though...
if i could have one wish...
i wish that i have my complete family again..
one which is happy all the time..
not like now..

lets wait for 2morrow for the next episode..
smell ya laters

so lets continue...

Day 2: The Crush



i love my girl and will continue doing so..
so whats the point of having a crush?
it is called a crush..
coz it will only crush your relationship..
haha..
so dats the end of day 2...

----------------------------------

another story...
a good fren of mine finally decides to give a gerl a chance into his life..
like..
at last..
haha..
and he is taking things slowly..
like Dek said..
the happy ending of a story book is at the last page..
so why rush..
hope he goes well with triana..

nites ppl!!

So i guess its my turn to do the 30 day letter challenge..
dont know wad it is?
go google it.
haha..

Day 1
The Best Friend

if you ask me to choose between them
i would never choose..
coz the both have done so much..
and they know me well..
the best friend im refering to is Fadhil and Zaidi

Fadhil
well...
we have been classmates eversince we step foot into hkss..
till the day we took our graduation certs...
he knows my secrets..
and i know his..
and he is always there to listen to my rants..
recent events made me more comfortable to talk about my past with him..
coz now..
i feel that he wont judge..
coz he went through just the same shit..
for that..
blood brothers...
haha

Zaidi
well..
the idiot is practically my first friend in hkss..
i missed the times when he was shorter that me..
haha..
well..
zaidi never fails to listen to me rant about things..
and we never fail to argue about the difference in our ideologies..
and he is always there when i am in need of help..
greatly appreciated..
brothers for life...

all in all

these 2 ppl can really withstand my crappiness..
and my damn irritating attitude..
for that..
thank you guys for being good friends..

haha..
im bored...
enjoys..

the thought never comes to mind..
and i thought i was ok with it..
until the conversations i had with my friends about the matter...
dont worry they dont know bout it..
just that they brought up the matter...
and that was when it bothered me..
i needed to know..
and now i do..
the feeling is like having your heart stabbed over and over again...
6 times...
those feelings of ecstasy should never have existed in the first place...
and then..
it happened..
i didnt wash my face..
but my cheeks were wet..
and soon it was drenched..

my mind is like a maze..
or a puzzle..
i dont know what to think..
and everything just seems god damn confusing..
i really dont know what to think anymore...
haiz...